Tag: The Third Act

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Change

The spark for change is change.

From this morning’s message from the Universe, this short quote emerged. If you don’t subscribe to Messages from the Universe already, I highly recommend this – go to www.tut.com for your daily dose of wisdom and humor.

Change – there has been a great deal of that going around these days. Change and Transition. In my view transition is the human side of change, how we react and respond to the events around us that influence our lives. As we all know change is inevitable and there is that platitude, ‘change is the only constant‘. Curse change if you will and apparently you cannot escape it. Do you then embrace it or is that simply expecting too much?

I will admit that I am a person who seeks change. In my younger years I was plagued by boredom which resulted in me changing jobs at an alarming rate. I thought that a new venue would be more interesting even though the work with the inherent responsibilities were the same. Self-employment has been ideal for me as a result, as you get to create what you do, you can shift responsibilities around, search for new directions – you get the picture. And somewhere in there you need consistency and direction otherwise self-employment will spin out of control. Fortunately I have also been purposeful and yes, somewhat driven, which makes the changes upon me now the most challenging ones. This change is my transition into retirement.

Over the last few months I have been musing about this eventuality. The decision to release my ‘work’ responsibilities has not come lightly or easily. And, by the way I am not there yet although well on my way. As a self-employed coach, consultant, facilitator and teacher, my work has taken on many forms through the years from corporate consulting to individual coaching, from running and facilitating retreats and workshops to public speaking. I have never been bored in any of these roles because of the diversity and the variety which this approach has offered me. And trust me, I still love all of it.

So why retire or as I prefer to think of it re-tire. I have been living with a number of questions recently, the most important of which is “what is left for me to do or be in my Third Act?” I am ready for change and for new frontiers to explore. This awareness has led to my understanding that if my plate is still filled by all the activities that I have consistently been involved in, there is no room for anything new. Change sparks change. Emptying the plate creates space for something else.

When I first landed on the literature regarding the Third Act, my interested piqued by both the language and the possibility of what’s next for me, I decided that understanding this would be part of my continuing journey. The thing was, I was premature in thinking that my timing was right to dive in. After a few weeks of playing with the material and planning, I put it aside. I was acutely aware that I was not ready to pursue this. There were a few transitional steps to complete before jumping into a new arena.

In his book Transitions, William Bridges describes the first step as ENDINGS. Sounds easy! Yet endings implies letting go and I have found this to be a challenging process. First you need to make a decision to let something go. Then you need to actually do it and then you need to be in the impact of that decision which, from my experience, has been both grief and relief. First I decided that we would take on no new clients. That wasn’t so bad as we have, and continue to have, corporate clients who keep us well occupied. This was followed by decisions to stop offering weekend retreats, stop our monthly Healthy Living Cafe, and finally to stop writing my monthly newsletter. I also gave up my license to marry people and stepped down from my role as chairperson of the local arts council. These decisions took place over a two-year period, allowing me to deal with one ‘loss’ after the other. A wise decision and one I recommend for anyone, as an all or nothing approach can have a devastating effect.

Interestingly, I have led my own transition. I have made my choices when I intuitively knew it was time. There will be more decisions to make down the pike. In all, the changes have been emotional yes, and relatively easy because of the pace.

What of the person who retires from a  ‘conventional job’ where one day you are working full throttle and the next day you are not. This is a more significant shift, one which many folks are not prepared for. This is where Third Act planning can help and hence where my interest lies.

And now that I have emptied my plate from a significant amount of responsibility, the space is there for me to explore. I am now entering my CREATIVE ZONE, the second phase of Bridges’ transition model. It is not a time to fill the plate with new doings, it is a time to consider options, be curious and explore. It is a time for life review and capturing the things that ‘light me up’. It is a time to acknowledge my gifts, talents and strengths and wonder as to how these might be engaged in some new way. It feels freeing and exciting and a little scary.

Care to join me?

Until next time…..

Betty

 

 

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The Importance of Positivity

In mid-June I attended the Canadian Positive Psychology Conference. One of the questions I carried with me throughout the conference is how can we engage the principles of Positive Psychology to enhance our experience of the Third Act.

It is interesting to note that, at least at the conference, there was little focus on or dialogue regarding this question. Of greater interest to the attendees is the impact of Positive Psychology in education and the workplace. Understood, as this is probably where the greatest opportunities lie. And let’s not be the ‘lost generation’ in this important field of study.

Which brings me back to the whole idea of ‘Flourishing in the Third Act’. So let me share a few of my ‘take-aways’ from the conference and explore how these apply to the Third Act.

Barbara Fredrickson, author of Positivity and Love 2.0, was the opening key-note speaker. I find her ‘Broaden and Build’ Theory very compelling, as she examines what positivity versus negativity offers us in life. Here is a synopsis of what I took away from her presentation and how I believe this applies to our experience of the Third Act.

Central to Barbara’s research regarding Positivity is what she refers to as the Broaden and Build Theory. BROADEN implies expansive. Unlike negative emotions, which narrow people’s ideas about possible actions (eg. Response to dangerous situation) and outcomes, positive emotions do the opposite – they broaden your ideas about possible actions, open your awareness to a wider range of thoughts and actions, sparking your interest and urging you to explore and learn

Positivity opens us…our hearts and our minds, making us more receptive and creative.

When I consider this concept, I see the importance for Third Acters. Here’s why. Personally I have approached this age with some reticence, largely because of the beliefs I held regarding ‘retirement’. Of course my beliefs have been fed by society’s reaction to this stage of life as well. If however, we approach the Third Act with positivity and optimism, refusing to accept what societal beliefs have been, we have this great opportunity to broaden the possibilities of what is possible, desirable and engaging for us. Key to this notion then of broadening is our ability to exercise our curiosity and explore all the possibilities that light you up and which may have been lingering for a while.

The second aspect of Fredrickson’s theory is building, or more accurately resource building.
Again, if you approach life through the lens of negativity and neutrality you will constrain your experience of your Third Act, and your knowledge, of the world. Positivity does the opposite – it draws you out to explore, to mix up your world in unexpected ways. This leads to new learning and gains in knowledge. All of this may be useful during the Third Act, giving you the opportunity to broaden your sense of possibility, leading you to curiously explore what may be next and broadening your experience and desire to learn.

The Broaden and Build Theory holds that – Positive emotions were consequential to our human ancestors because over time those good feelings broadened our ancestor’s mindsets and built their resources for the future.

Positivity broadens and builds. It transforms people and helps them become their best. And when at their best, people live longer, and they have more fulfilling lives.

In other words, they flourish.

Positivity also offers you the following:

  • It opens possibilities,
  • improves cognition (that’s important!),
  • has the physical effect of broadening and opening our posture (less stooping!),
  • and affects how you view the world.

 

Like a good diet filled with nutrients, it builds over time, improving your resilience in the face of difficulties, improving your heart rate variability and your immune systems, all essential ingredients to healthy aging.

The Third Act can be a generative time in your life and your capacity to approach it with a positive attitude enhances your ability to broaden and build your life. So let’s imagine for a moment that we all agreed to begin this great experiment where we approached each day with a few simple questions/intentions:

  • I wonder what is possible today?
  • I have always wanted to learn more about….; why not now?
  • I plan to approach each day with optimism, gratitude and wonder; to be a positive influence for both myself and others
  • What a great opportunity I now have. My obligations and responsibilities have lessened. The only responsibility I have now is ME!

Speaking about this great experiment, are you not curious about what we as Third Acters can create when we take this approach; how we may influence the future? Just sayin’!

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Courage and Clarity

“You need two things to get unstuck: Clarity and Courage. And, clarity is the reward of having courage.”

It has occurred to me in the last two weeks that courage is something to embrace as the opportunities for self-expression continue to unfold in my Third Act. Why courage? I am finding it challenging to crack open the eggshell of old habits and daily routines which have governed my life for so long. One of my greatest gifts in life has been my purposefulness and goal orientation. One of my greatest liabilities in life is my purposefulness and goal orientation!

It takes courage to face it down, to challenge it, to understand how I trip myself up by relying on what I have always known. It is a bit of a trap, for even though we can agree that purposefulness and goal orientation is a great thing, I also see the limitations, the blinders these habits impose.

Enough self-flagellation; this is not meant to be a critique of me. The question really is ‘now what’?

In a moment of clarity, the other day I realized that what I really wanted to release was the ‘need to work’. Yes need. I don’t know how it has been for you, but I was raised in the school of responsibility, obligation and ‘shoulds’. The reality for me is that I no longer need to work. Now on the government payroll with CPP and OAP, I may not be completely set for life and I know that our financial health is strong. So what is this need thing, this drive?

In its place I would much rather embrace the joy of work and be open to whatever that may be. I still love what I do and offer clients. I thoroughly enjoy coaching, facilitation and teaching. Am I not fortunate? And there are as many opportunities out there for me now as there were 20 years ago when I started my business, perhaps even more.

And here’s where courage comes in – saying ‘NO’ to the less than perfect opportunities, releasing the work that lingers that no longer engages me, because I don’t need to hang on. This gives me the space for clarity, the opportunity for opening new avenues of connecting with and serving people. None of this is a surprise; I have been ruminating on this for a while.

I am a person that also enjoys structure and routine and again I am asking if I need it. With summer upon us, I dream of morning walks, time on the front porch in the early morning sun, gardening and painting, hammock time with a good book, evenings in the gazebo sharing a glass of wine with friends. My usual work schedule does not accommodate these things or this life style.

As I envision the July and August landscape, I see great possibility. The second week of July is fully booked with a series of workshops we will be facilitating from Quebec City to Vancouver. Yes, it will be an intense week. More importantly, by having the courage to speak honestly with our clients, we will be engaged in work that we love and which we believe will make a significant difference for our client. Clarity was our reward.

Then guess what, the remainder of July and August is a fallow field. Will I have the courage to ‘BE’ in it allowing time for new possibilities to emerge and clarity to grow?

So onto you. Some things to consider. Are some of your greatest strengths also your liabilities? It is a great exercise to recognize this.

Is it time for you to address some on the repeating patterns that have governed your life and crack open the egg? What would you like to replace these patterns with? Remember if you can’t name it, it is unlikely you will get it.

Summer is such a wonderful time to relax and allow yourself to sink into the days. Why not do so? I plan to and hope you will join me, perhaps even share with me a few of your AHA’s that show up.

Have the courage to let go of what you have always known and create space for clarity to walk in the door.

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Facing FEAR

My colleague Andy (not his real name) retired May 5th from a life time in the federal public service. I met him last September as he and I embarked, along with 40 other participants, on a seven-month certificate program in Positive Psychology. We connected as we were two of the older members of the class and we were both examining the great ‘what’s next?’ He was anticipating his retirement with both excitement and trepidation.

Well here he is on the other side. Six of us, graduates now of the certificate program, had a day-long gathering where we checked in with one another and asked the question: What has become clear to you since we last met?  (I love this question as it provokes all sorts of responses).  I was anxious to hear Andy’s musings.

I was not surprised to hear that in the three weeks since his official retirement, Andy had felt somewhat lost. It is a disarming experience to be working one day and free the next. With no reason to jump out of bed, no one to chat with at the water cooler and nothing to structure your days, you simply face the great void.

Andy, whose wife works as a consultant and who works from home, also had a reaction. He was now in her space 24-7. Oh this is a familiar one to me! When Jim retired from the pharmaceutical world nine years ago, I had a similar reaction. Like Andy’s wife, I had been working from home as a coach-consultant for 10 years, and now there he was, every day! I kept thinking, ‘Don’t you have some place to go?’ And then when he decided to partner with me in the business, an entire new dynamic unfolded. Enough said. We fail to realize that our retirement affects others as much as it affects us.

And then there are all the other questions:

  • What do I want (see last blog)?
  • When will it happen?
  • What’s the first step?
  • What’s important to me?
  • Do I still have a brain?
  • Will anyone want to work/play/be with me?

FEAR walks in the door!

And yes, you all know the acronym for FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. I prefer another option: Face Everything And Rise.

So how do you face FEAR? It’s not new. It happens during most major changes or transitions in life. It occurs because you are uncertain and you have no clear map for what’s next. It often overrides the sense of possibility that retirement holds.

As I was flipping through a book yesterday, I Know I’m in There Somewhere by Helene G. Brenner, I noticed a diagram entitled FEAR is the dark room where all the negatives are developed.

FEAR

Yep, that describes it.

So how do you face FEAR in this place called the Third Act.

A strategy I have used for several years which I believe fits here as well is to do the following:

  1. Embrace the FEAR – it’s there and ignoring will not make it go away. I goes like this, “I see you.”
  2. Challenge the FEAR – ask the following
    – what evidence do you have that what you fear will actually happen?
    – when have you faced similar situations, and fears, and pulled through successfully?
    – Is what you fear happening right now?
    – other than what you fear, what are the other possibilities?
  3. Shift gears: Recognize FEAR does not serve you and is usually driven by your head and your ego. This is the perfect time to begin the 12” journey from head to heart and to know that you can choose to be/do what you want.

I love the conversation with fear, especially the first question regarding evidence. Ninety-nine percent of the time there is no evidence, no real reason to believe the fear will manifest. And the moment you examine it, thoroughly, you really have to chuckle. So pull up your socks and step into your days with the intention that life is full of possibility and you have just been given permission to play in the possibility sandbox. Most importantly don’t push – allow some time to pass, learn to be in the moment and present to what crosses your path. Trust that all your answers, everything you need for your Third Act, is there and ready to be harvested at the perfect time for you.

On yes, and as for your partner who does not know what to do with you, understand that your retirement has a huge impact on him or her as well. Be gentle and kind and as my good friend and coach Patty said to me when Jim retired, “never make her/him wrong!”

Have some fun making friends with your FEARS! Face Everything and Rise.

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BOOM!

There are moments in your life where, in an instant, everything changes. And more often than not, it is something that you are expecting and perhaps wanting to avoid dealing with. An undercurrent of hints and signs present themselves to you and still, you keep trucking along, head turned away from the obvious, believing that if you hold your focus elsewhere, the obvious will not happen.

Then, BOOM! The unexpected/expected happens.

Part of the Third Act for many of us is having parents approaching the Forth Act (if such a term has been coined). I am the proud ‘outlaw’ of two aging parents-in law named Dorothy and Ron, ages 87 and 86 respectively. While physically healthy, both of them are experiencing levels of memory loss, judgment lapses and dementia. Dorothy has been most affected by this, leaving Ron as the primary care-giver. More recently it has been evident that Ron’s health has also been changing and, while all of us have been observing this, it has been easier to believe that things would just keep ticking along.

As I write this, Ron has been hospitalized following a weekend meltdown called pneumonia, which in the elderly is often missed, presenting as confusion, paranoia, memory loss and decompensation. This is where we found ourselves. Everything has changed as we as a family face the reality that they may no longer be able to live independently.

I am fully aware that this is yet another rite of passage for Third Acters and perhaps a perfect example of how we also approach our own aging and Third Act planning. You know that one day you will retire, in some way, and it is easy to avoid looking at it or planning for it. And then one day, your employer tells you it is time to pack up your desk, to ‘retire’ and you are shocked and completely unprepared. How is it possible you could not see this coming?

BOOM!

One day you are working, and the next day you are not. And in your avoidance, you are completely unprepared for the inevitable. What do you do now?

Chances are, the hints and signs were in your consciousness even though you were looking the other way. In our current dilemma, I had already called in the local psycho-geriatric team for Dorothy and we were waiting for Ron’s assessment to be scheduled. This at least was the first step in connecting us to community services. In other words, we have a place to start.

You do as well and the first step is to simply relax, breathe, and recognize the opportunity that stretches before you. It is fair to say that you will miss your J.O.B. You will miss the routine, the work itself, the social connections and more. All of this can re-created in a new way and first, give yourself an opportunity to recognize that stepping away from your J.O.B. is a significant loss. It is part of how you have defined yourself for many years and it is not only appropriate but important to grieve this loss.

This is the first important step of your Third Act. Experiencing and expressing the loss you may feel, allows you to release it and create space for what’s next in your life.

Do yourself a favor and book some time with a massage therapist, an energy worker (Reiki, Integrated Energy, or networking chiropractic), or any practitioner that can support you in moving forward. Consider meditation, yoga, physical work outs of any description. Avoid signing up for every volunteer opportunity offered to you because others know you now have loads of free time. Trust me, this is not a solution.

Learn to ‘BE’ for a while, giving yourself that important opportunity to know yourself and assess what is important to you today and in the future.

Welcome to your Third Act!

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Your Legacy Work

As I sit with the Idea of Flourishing in the Third Act, feeling my way into my experience and what I want to create for myself and others, I have a knowing that there is no rush. I have to say this is a new sensation for me. I am not the type to simply sit with things for an extensive period of time. Of course I have been writing this blog and discussing Flourishing in the Third Act with others, and this has raised interest. And yes, that is my intention. And, when asked last week by a colleague when I was starting the program, I had a momentary sense of panic. I am not ready.

As another colleague of mine stated during our monthly Women Entrepreneur’s Network,  I am composting, in the fermentation state. I might prefer the word incubation, regardless, I am sitting and being with the idea.

This morning in our daily read from Robin Sharma, the following text was highlighted:

Confusion always gives rise to clarity over time and
a moment does come when all the new learning becomes
wonderfully integrated within your understanding.
This is the beginning of real wisdom.
Celebrate your confusion because it is simply a reflection of your growth.
It is always a little chaotic when you leave the Safe Harbor of The Known
and sail out in search of New Oceans.

I have decided to celebrate my confusion! To continue to read, research, reflect and learn, throwing all these ingredients into a big pot of stew, knowing that it will emerge as a savory, tasty meal.

The other roadSIGN appearing on my path this past week was a conversation with Lisa Taylor, founder of the Challenge Factory, an organization which specializes in working with individuals approaching or in the Third Act. Lisa spoke about defining your Legacy Career, a turn of phrase which I admit to finding appealing.

In my own lexicon I would undoubtedly use legacy work. I see your work in the broadest of contexts responding to the question of “what is your work in the world, your call to service, your sense of purpose?” To add to this idea and incorporating the notion of legacy, the question further dives into the impact you wish to have on others and your immediate world.

I differentiate work from J.O.B., better known as Justifiable Occupation or Business. How we make a living is not always aligned with our work. When we choose to leave the J.O.B. and pursue our work, we truly are in the legacy conversation. Legacy work can be aligned with what you do for a living just as it can be volunteer work, mentoring, pursuing your creativity, whatever is meaningful to you.

Years ago, while listening to an old Harry Chapin CD, I noticed a monologue Harry had in between cuts. He was telling a story about his grandfather:

My grandfather always used to say,
“Harry, in this world there are two kinds of tired – good tired and bad tired.”

Bad tired can follow a day when you are seen as a winner in the eyes of others, but you know that you won other people’s battles and lived other people’s agendas or dreams. You achieved great things for someone else’s cause. At the end of the day, you see that there is very little of YOU in there. You realize that deep inside yourself, the parts are not connected. You lay your head on your pillow that night, you toss and turn, you don’t rest easy. You know that your doings that day are disconnected from the deepest sense of who you are.

Then there are days when you are good tired. Good tired can be a day when you experience less success, trying but not always satisfied with the outcome. The key is that you are working at the things you love and enjoy. You don’t need to be hard on yourself because you know you fought your own battles, you chased your own dreams, and you lived your days fully. The path may be more difficult and you feel better about yourself because your choices are in-line with who you are and your work in the world. At the end of the day, your rest your head on your pillow and you rest easy. You recognize that what you did that day was connected to your greater purpose.

Your legacy work, your third act, deserves your attention, your intention, your imagination and your commitment to allow it to incubate. I believe you also want your legacy work to be fully yours, to be engaging and which leads you to that sense of being good tired and resting easy. It is a time for you and I to choose the work that inspires and nurtures us. If you are rushing into choices because you feel you have to or others expect you to, push the pause button.

Let’s all agree to play in the confusion for a while and see what emerges.

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Flourishing in the Third Act – Step One

How do we change or influence the ageist views of society, especially our youth? This past weekend I viewed a video on Facebook created by AARP (American Assoc. of Retired People) in which millennials were interviewed. When asked what age defined old the majority responded late 4o’s or 50’s. The interviewers went on to ask the subjects to perform certain tasks the way they thought an older person would. The results were interesting. Ah yes, perception! Then they young’un’s were introduced to some seniors, who for the most part outperformed them on certain tasks as they were invited to teach one another. The change in perception was amazing and when re-interviewed about their attitudes and thoughts about aging, it was evident the seniors had an impact.

I was left with a personal ‘WOW!’; is that what they really think. Have young people become so distanced from elders, their parents and grandparents, that they really view us as ‘incapacitated’? We have some work to do!

And, what are we as ‘Third Acters’ believing. Have we bought into the same ageist philosophy which suggests that retirement is a near death experience?

Through the years I have coached many folks who are retired and my sense is that they have lost their way. They retire with the belief that golfing will occupy their time; or perhaps volunteering, or reading, sewing, knitting, woodwork…..the list goes on. They grow disenchanted because they become bored or they realize that the activities which they are pursuing are not engaging. They did not understand, or they forgot, that the Third Act is the opportunity for a New Beginning and that the new beginning requires some thought and reflection and definition.

In his book Transitions, William Bridges examined the human side of change. In his model, change or transitions evoke three stages: Endings, Neutral Zone and New Beginnings. The model is an excellent beginning to approaching the Third Act, specifically when you are leaving a job behind. Endings is that opportunity to assess, and if you will, mourn, the loss. When you step away from a job or profession, you shift your identity; you lose your tribe, those whom you have worked with; you give up your routines and habits. While you may be looking forward to all of these things, many people approach the Third Act with little or no consideration regarding what it will mean everyday. Many have never considered or planned for the empty hours.

While this sounds negative, perhaps a little daunting, the upside is the opportunity for New Beginnings, the re-invention of self. My experience with coaching clients has been that they forget that they have choice on their side and that there are many things they do not forfeit by retiring: the essence of who you are, your strengths, your values, your accrued wisdom and experience and so much more. These are the important building blocks for what’s next.

The there is the magical time between these two stages – the Neutral Zone. This is the fallow field, the time to release the past, reflect, dream, consider and play with possibility. It is the time to dabble and experiment, to question and to research. Clearly it involves more being than doing. And this is the time where flourishing begins to be defined and where the work begins in  defining the New Beginning.

I have had my own journey with transitions through the years, first when I left health care almost 20 years ago to begin roadSIGNS, and then most recently as I begin to consider my plans for My THIRD ACT. The journey I am developing for Third Acters is the one I am experiencing and supported by my previous work and Positive Psychology. These are exciting times. For those of you sharing the journey with me – hop on board. The best is yet to come.

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Flourishing in the Third Act

My absence from the roadSIGNS Coach blog duly noted, I am now here to say that I am officially back. This last year has been an informative one:

  • I turned 65, that magical age where we are told that retirement is an option
  • I experienced my first ‘mid-life’ crisis – it seems that I did not think turning 65 would mean anything and it did!
  • I enjoyed one of the busiest years on record with our business and subsequently decided that I no longer needed or wanted to work with that same level of intensity
  • I completed my Certificate in Positive Psychology, an intense program offered through the winter
  • and I was introduced to the concept of the Third Act, the final decades of life beginning at age 60.

It is this business of the Third Act that has really captured my attention. In her amazing TedTalk on the topic in December 2011, Jane Fonda stated that we need a new metaphor for aging in our society, one which considers aging as a staircase — the upward ascension of the human spirit, bringing us into wisdom, wholeness and authenticity. Age not at all as pathology; age as potential.

In a society with such a strong youth orientation, it is easy for those of us approaching or beyond 60 to wonder what belongs to us. And yet when I look inward, when I consider my future, I am aware that I want to do so with gusto, perhaps even a bit of bravado. I am struck by how much desire I have to learn, develop and pursue. I am hungry for meaning and a desire to continue to be of service and I am convinced that I am not alone.

As a generation, those of us 60 years plus, are physiologically younger than any generation before us. We have the potential to live 3-4 more decades or more. While we may see some decline in our health, this decline does not have to apply to our spirit. We are in charge of that just as we are in charge of our curiosity, our passion, our attitudes and beliefs. As Fonda suggests:

Entropy means that everything in the world, everything, is in a state of decline and decay, the arch. 
There’s only one exception to this universal law, and that is the human spirit, 
which can continue to evolve upwards — the staircase — bringing us into wholeness, authenticity and wisdom.

Perhaps the Third Act is really our time, a time to FLOURISH, a time to expand on those things that escaped us in our youth, a time to exercise our curiosity and be active learners, a time to finish what was left undone.

I invite you to join me in this conversation as I pursue Flourishing in the Third Act.

Using the principles of Positive Psychology,  I intend to carve out a course for us to follow, one which will allow us to become re-acquainted with the many aspects of who we are and who we wish to become, one which will help to find our way into this new territory called the Third Act.