There is an ethical code that guides most of our lives. You may refer to this code as your personal principles or perhaps your core values. For most of us, integrity, the importance of telling truth and keeping your promises, is central to a sense of Integrity. That said, there is another important aspect of integrity that sometimes is overlooked, that of do no harm.
How do we harm?
Harming another is often unintentional. It can be as simple as an offhand comment to someone to as serious as gossip.
Ah yes, gossip. A few years ago I heard the following story:
A priest in his weekly sermon shared with his congregations the confession of one of his parishioners. In her confession she confided that she had sinned, for she had been gossiping about her neighbors.
The priest, as her penance, told her to return to her home, cut open her feather pillows, go to the roof of her apartment building and release all the feathers over her neighborhood.
She did as he said, then returned to the confessional.
“Father, I have done as you said”.
“That is perfect my daughter. Now return to your neighborhood and retrieve all the feathers you released.”
“That is impossible”, she responded.
“Exactly”, he replied. “When you gossip, the words travel everywhere. You have no idea where they will fall or whose ears your words will reach. There is no way to control the harm that gossip creates and there is no way to retrieve it.”
You know the moral of the story. Not only is gossip harmful, it spreads, like a wildfire in dry bush. If you cannot speak of another with care and concern or in acknowledgement or singing their praises, don’t share.
Your principles and Values
Whether it is gossip or some other harmful interaction with others, always remember that the person you harm the most is yourself.
As a young professional in my early twenties I am sure I frequently harmed others. I had a ‘mouth’, a large one. I said things that in hindsight were frequently harmful to others. It was a way of getting attention. I wanted to leave my wallflower roots behind and to be noticed. Well, I was in a most unbecoming way.
And the effect on me was even greater. I believed that if I could be the center of attention by putting others down, I would elevate myself. My self-esteem would grow and I would feel better about me. It did not work. In fact the more I pursued this path, the worse I felt. I was not really being me; I was not authentic; I was playing a role I believed others would be attracted to.
As time went on, I checked-in with my values and principles. My wonderful husband held my hand to the fire and pointed out that I was acting in a way that was very different from who he knew me to be. He wondered why?
I am not sure what the wake-up call was exactly. Perhaps it was a realization that my tactics were backfiring. Not only was I offending others, I was on a self-destructive path, doing more harm to me than anyone. I decided to simply stop using words as my weapon and attitude as my armor and start being me.
It was difficult initially – I had some very well established habits. One day at a time, occasionally moment by moment, I changed, returning to my true roots. My colleagues and friends noticed. “What happened to Betty?” they would ask. “You are different”. I made no excuses and just thanked them for their feedback.
Slowly I emerged, the authentic me. I became happier because others accepted me for who I was. I was honouring my values and using my principles to filter my actions. Slowly my self-esteem came out of the gutter. This was the first step in saving me.
Final Thoughts
I am frequently alarmed at what I hear, see and read, the things that are being said about others – half-truths, innuendo, always with the suggestion that something else is amuck. I want to say to all of us let’s simply STOP IT! Let us all commit to do no harm and set the intention to lift others up.
Be aware of those who openly criticize others and spread gossip. They are not truthful. Understand that putting others down is simply a strategy to elevate oneself. When you experience these behaviors in others, bless them, for they cannot possibly feel good about themselves. If they did, they would not have to do harm .
This is my invitation to you to choose the path to higher ground, to lift yourself up by lifting others. See you at the top!
Betty Healey
Betty Healey is an award-winning author, coach and inspiring speaker. You can book Betty for a workshop or speaking engagement at www.roadSIGNS.ca or contact her at betty@roadSIGNS.ca.