Author: Road Signs

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Facing FEAR

My colleague Andy (not his real name) retired May 5th from a life time in the federal public service. I met him last September as he and I embarked, along with 40 other participants, on a seven-month certificate program in Positive Psychology. We connected as we were two of the older members of the class and we were both examining the great ‘what’s next?’ He was anticipating his retirement with both excitement and trepidation.

Well here he is on the other side. Six of us, graduates now of the certificate program, had a day-long gathering where we checked in with one another and asked the question: What has become clear to you since we last met?  (I love this question as it provokes all sorts of responses).  I was anxious to hear Andy’s musings.

I was not surprised to hear that in the three weeks since his official retirement, Andy had felt somewhat lost. It is a disarming experience to be working one day and free the next. With no reason to jump out of bed, no one to chat with at the water cooler and nothing to structure your days, you simply face the great void.

Andy, whose wife works as a consultant and who works from home, also had a reaction. He was now in her space 24-7. Oh this is a familiar one to me! When Jim retired from the pharmaceutical world nine years ago, I had a similar reaction. Like Andy’s wife, I had been working from home as a coach-consultant for 10 years, and now there he was, every day! I kept thinking, ‘Don’t you have some place to go?’ And then when he decided to partner with me in the business, an entire new dynamic unfolded. Enough said. We fail to realize that our retirement affects others as much as it affects us.

And then there are all the other questions:

  • What do I want (see last blog)?
  • When will it happen?
  • What’s the first step?
  • What’s important to me?
  • Do I still have a brain?
  • Will anyone want to work/play/be with me?

FEAR walks in the door!

And yes, you all know the acronym for FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real. I prefer another option: Face Everything And Rise.

So how do you face FEAR? It’s not new. It happens during most major changes or transitions in life. It occurs because you are uncertain and you have no clear map for what’s next. It often overrides the sense of possibility that retirement holds.

As I was flipping through a book yesterday, I Know I’m in There Somewhere by Helene G. Brenner, I noticed a diagram entitled FEAR is the dark room where all the negatives are developed.

FEAR

Yep, that describes it.

So how do you face FEAR in this place called the Third Act.

A strategy I have used for several years which I believe fits here as well is to do the following:

  1. Embrace the FEAR – it’s there and ignoring will not make it go away. I goes like this, “I see you.”
  2. Challenge the FEAR – ask the following
    – what evidence do you have that what you fear will actually happen?
    – when have you faced similar situations, and fears, and pulled through successfully?
    – Is what you fear happening right now?
    – other than what you fear, what are the other possibilities?
  3. Shift gears: Recognize FEAR does not serve you and is usually driven by your head and your ego. This is the perfect time to begin the 12” journey from head to heart and to know that you can choose to be/do what you want.

I love the conversation with fear, especially the first question regarding evidence. Ninety-nine percent of the time there is no evidence, no real reason to believe the fear will manifest. And the moment you examine it, thoroughly, you really have to chuckle. So pull up your socks and step into your days with the intention that life is full of possibility and you have just been given permission to play in the possibility sandbox. Most importantly don’t push – allow some time to pass, learn to be in the moment and present to what crosses your path. Trust that all your answers, everything you need for your Third Act, is there and ready to be harvested at the perfect time for you.

On yes, and as for your partner who does not know what to do with you, understand that your retirement has a huge impact on him or her as well. Be gentle and kind and as my good friend and coach Patty said to me when Jim retired, “never make her/him wrong!”

Have some fun making friends with your FEARS! Face Everything and Rise.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

What Do YOU Want?

Here is where I am struggling a bit these days – what is it I want at this point in my life. Most days I am pretty clear regarding what I don’t want and yes, just as I teach others, I can turn these into ‘do wants’. Here is a small sampling of what shows up for me so far:

I want:

  • To be healthy and vibrant
  • To be engaged
  • To continue to cultivate my curiosity about life and people
  • To be of service in a way that is meaningful to me
  • To attract and create my legacy work
  • To remain involved with the arts community, and to new forms of how this might manifest.
  • To travel to places I have not previously visited
  • To have ample ‘being’ time for savoring, flourishing, reading, writing, painting and gardening and of course meditation
  • To care for our aging parents and see them safely through the transitions in their lives
  • To be present to and for my family and friends
  • To have clear boundaries regarding what is perfect for me

Okay! That’s not a bad list. AND why is it I feel like something is missing. I think it is simply this thing we call TRANSITION, the letting go of what no longer serves me, emptying the plate so that the new can be defined and take its rightful place. This is an important act of ‘Space Management’, something I have come to understand through years of piling too many things on this plate. Perhaps this leads to the next list – what am I prepared to let go of:

I am releasing:

  • Work that no longer engages me and that no longer serves my clients
  • Doing, doing and more doing
  • Always pre-planning the future rather than savoring the moment
  • Unrewarding and unfulfilling volunteer commitments
  • Responsibility that is not mine to own
  • Worry

That’s a start. I am sure there is so much more.

As we all move into and through our Third Act, knowing what we want, or at least asking ourselves the question, is perhaps the first step in determine our Third Act experience, or our legacy work. I have learned repeatedly that I cannot have what I don’t ask for and that If I am not clear, stuff shows up that I may not want.

There is not rush in developing this list, in fact I suggest we all take some time to slide into this zone, breathe, and take time to relax into it.

Some things to consider as you develop your wants:

  1. Remember all those things you always wanted to do/participate in and never had the time.
  2. What about your “Bucket List”? If you don’t know what this is watch the movie with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.
  3. Remember your youth and all those values/ideals you had which vanished the moment you went to work. Want to re-visit them?
  4. What are the passions, creative endeavors you always meant to make time for and never did?
  5. What are the causes you most identify with? Is there something that you want to contribute to that cause within your community?
  6. What wisdom, learning or experience do you have to offer others?

As you take time to consider these questions, I encourage you to keep track of the answers – write them down. You may be surprised at what shows up. It is important for all of us to remember that our Third Act is a new beginning, filled with and fueled by possibility. The most important quality we can exercise at this time of our life is CURIOSITY!

Posted on by — Leave a comment

BOOM!

There are moments in your life where, in an instant, everything changes. And more often than not, it is something that you are expecting and perhaps wanting to avoid dealing with. An undercurrent of hints and signs present themselves to you and still, you keep trucking along, head turned away from the obvious, believing that if you hold your focus elsewhere, the obvious will not happen.

Then, BOOM! The unexpected/expected happens.

Part of the Third Act for many of us is having parents approaching the Forth Act (if such a term has been coined). I am the proud ‘outlaw’ of two aging parents-in law named Dorothy and Ron, ages 87 and 86 respectively. While physically healthy, both of them are experiencing levels of memory loss, judgment lapses and dementia. Dorothy has been most affected by this, leaving Ron as the primary care-giver. More recently it has been evident that Ron’s health has also been changing and, while all of us have been observing this, it has been easier to believe that things would just keep ticking along.

As I write this, Ron has been hospitalized following a weekend meltdown called pneumonia, which in the elderly is often missed, presenting as confusion, paranoia, memory loss and decompensation. This is where we found ourselves. Everything has changed as we as a family face the reality that they may no longer be able to live independently.

I am fully aware that this is yet another rite of passage for Third Acters and perhaps a perfect example of how we also approach our own aging and Third Act planning. You know that one day you will retire, in some way, and it is easy to avoid looking at it or planning for it. And then one day, your employer tells you it is time to pack up your desk, to ‘retire’ and you are shocked and completely unprepared. How is it possible you could not see this coming?

BOOM!

One day you are working, and the next day you are not. And in your avoidance, you are completely unprepared for the inevitable. What do you do now?

Chances are, the hints and signs were in your consciousness even though you were looking the other way. In our current dilemma, I had already called in the local psycho-geriatric team for Dorothy and we were waiting for Ron’s assessment to be scheduled. This at least was the first step in connecting us to community services. In other words, we have a place to start.

You do as well and the first step is to simply relax, breathe, and recognize the opportunity that stretches before you. It is fair to say that you will miss your J.O.B. You will miss the routine, the work itself, the social connections and more. All of this can re-created in a new way and first, give yourself an opportunity to recognize that stepping away from your J.O.B. is a significant loss. It is part of how you have defined yourself for many years and it is not only appropriate but important to grieve this loss.

This is the first important step of your Third Act. Experiencing and expressing the loss you may feel, allows you to release it and create space for what’s next in your life.

Do yourself a favor and book some time with a massage therapist, an energy worker (Reiki, Integrated Energy, or networking chiropractic), or any practitioner that can support you in moving forward. Consider meditation, yoga, physical work outs of any description. Avoid signing up for every volunteer opportunity offered to you because others know you now have loads of free time. Trust me, this is not a solution.

Learn to ‘BE’ for a while, giving yourself that important opportunity to know yourself and assess what is important to you today and in the future.

Welcome to your Third Act!

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Your Legacy Work

As I sit with the Idea of Flourishing in the Third Act, feeling my way into my experience and what I want to create for myself and others, I have a knowing that there is no rush. I have to say this is a new sensation for me. I am not the type to simply sit with things for an extensive period of time. Of course I have been writing this blog and discussing Flourishing in the Third Act with others, and this has raised interest. And yes, that is my intention. And, when asked last week by a colleague when I was starting the program, I had a momentary sense of panic. I am not ready.

As another colleague of mine stated during our monthly Women Entrepreneur’s Network,  I am composting, in the fermentation state. I might prefer the word incubation, regardless, I am sitting and being with the idea.

This morning in our daily read from Robin Sharma, the following text was highlighted:

Confusion always gives rise to clarity over time and
a moment does come when all the new learning becomes
wonderfully integrated within your understanding.
This is the beginning of real wisdom.
Celebrate your confusion because it is simply a reflection of your growth.
It is always a little chaotic when you leave the Safe Harbor of The Known
and sail out in search of New Oceans.

I have decided to celebrate my confusion! To continue to read, research, reflect and learn, throwing all these ingredients into a big pot of stew, knowing that it will emerge as a savory, tasty meal.

The other roadSIGN appearing on my path this past week was a conversation with Lisa Taylor, founder of the Challenge Factory, an organization which specializes in working with individuals approaching or in the Third Act. Lisa spoke about defining your Legacy Career, a turn of phrase which I admit to finding appealing.

In my own lexicon I would undoubtedly use legacy work. I see your work in the broadest of contexts responding to the question of “what is your work in the world, your call to service, your sense of purpose?” To add to this idea and incorporating the notion of legacy, the question further dives into the impact you wish to have on others and your immediate world.

I differentiate work from J.O.B., better known as Justifiable Occupation or Business. How we make a living is not always aligned with our work. When we choose to leave the J.O.B. and pursue our work, we truly are in the legacy conversation. Legacy work can be aligned with what you do for a living just as it can be volunteer work, mentoring, pursuing your creativity, whatever is meaningful to you.

Years ago, while listening to an old Harry Chapin CD, I noticed a monologue Harry had in between cuts. He was telling a story about his grandfather:

My grandfather always used to say,
“Harry, in this world there are two kinds of tired – good tired and bad tired.”

Bad tired can follow a day when you are seen as a winner in the eyes of others, but you know that you won other people’s battles and lived other people’s agendas or dreams. You achieved great things for someone else’s cause. At the end of the day, you see that there is very little of YOU in there. You realize that deep inside yourself, the parts are not connected. You lay your head on your pillow that night, you toss and turn, you don’t rest easy. You know that your doings that day are disconnected from the deepest sense of who you are.

Then there are days when you are good tired. Good tired can be a day when you experience less success, trying but not always satisfied with the outcome. The key is that you are working at the things you love and enjoy. You don’t need to be hard on yourself because you know you fought your own battles, you chased your own dreams, and you lived your days fully. The path may be more difficult and you feel better about yourself because your choices are in-line with who you are and your work in the world. At the end of the day, your rest your head on your pillow and you rest easy. You recognize that what you did that day was connected to your greater purpose.

Your legacy work, your third act, deserves your attention, your intention, your imagination and your commitment to allow it to incubate. I believe you also want your legacy work to be fully yours, to be engaging and which leads you to that sense of being good tired and resting easy. It is a time for you and I to choose the work that inspires and nurtures us. If you are rushing into choices because you feel you have to or others expect you to, push the pause button.

Let’s all agree to play in the confusion for a while and see what emerges.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

The Retirement Landscape

The Third Act of Life is a newer term in the ‘retirement landscape’ referring to those years 60 to 90. In re-framing the idea of retirement, the Third Act examines the opportunities that those falling in this age group have to continue to grow, learn, serve and contribute to society. The notion of flourishing, drawn from the Positive Psychology literature, turns the commonly held beliefs of retirement on its heels and examines the strategies and tools by which ‘Third Acters’ can lead a rich and meaningful life beyond the expiration date of their careers.

Although we have arrived in 2016, with an exponential growth in the number of individuals reaching the Third Act, we are still not tapping into this unlimited resource effectively. Retirement programs offered by organizations continue to focus on two consistent themes: financial planning and legal concerns. And while there is no argument that this focus offers important information to retirees, this approach fails to address other key concerns:

  • What will I do once I step away from my job/career?
  • What will be my identity?
  • What will engage me?
  • Will I still be useful to society?
  • Who will be my tribe?
  • Who will I be without this definition of self?

It is fair to say that the exploration of these questions is not the organization’s business or concern but is it really true? From where I sit, many of us are clinging onto our ‘jobs’ because we cannot see the future. In my case this is not so serious. I am self-employed. This is not the case however, where senior employees may be blocking the entry of the next generation. Let me be clear, this is not to suggest that these senior employees are no longer contributing, it simply beckons these question:

  1. If these employees had a clearer sense of what life could look like beyond their current employment, would they choose to stay?
  2. What if they were offered a road map for navigating the waters for one of life’s most significant transitions?
  3. What if they were offered the tools to assess how they can continue to contribute and forge a path filled with purpose and meaning?
  4. What would be the benefits to the organization and the younger generations as well?

This is where ‘Flourishing in the Third Act’ intersects with life, a program dedicated to exploring the waters of transition, where self-evaluation and self-discovery are central tenets, and where the goal is to re-discover self and create a vision for what can be some of the most productive years of one’s life.

Society forgets all too quickly that many of our favorite authors, artists, inventors and scientists made their most significant contributions during their Third Act. A few examples:

  • Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of Little House on the Prairie published her first book at age 64
  • Benjamin Franklin signed the Declaration of Independence at age 70
  • Nelson Mandala became president of South Africa at age 76
  • At age 69 Mother Theresa won the Nobel Peace Prize
  • Forced to retire at age 70, Peter Mark Roget complied the Roget’s Thesaurus at age 73
  • Gandhi began his quest for Indian independence at age 61
  • Dames Maggie Smith and Judy Dench have picked up more awards and accolades in their third act then in their early careers
  • Acclaimed artist Grandma Moses began painting at the age of 76

The list goes on.

It is my belief that those of us approaching or currently living the Third Act need not sell ourselves short. This is the time in our life when we can take inventory, review our contributions and wonder what’s next. We do not fundamentally change; life circumstances do. We have the capacity to learn and to take all of life’s lessons and apply these in new ways.

As I sit with this concept of Flourishing in the Third Act, reflecting on the possibilities that lie ahead, I see a landscape of vast opportunity. I wonder how can I sharpen the focus on that vision. This is where I, and I imagine others, need some structure, some tools for us to enhance our self-awareness and give direction to what’s next.

What immediately comes to mind is to simply remember that everything I have learned up to now is carried forward. I have vast resources available to me including:

  • My accrued wisdom and knowledge
  • My strengths
  • My work experiences
  • My values
  • My talents and gifts
  • My education

Hopefully all of these resources can be married with curiosity and wonder and a desire to understand in what other ways can I apply these various aspects of me to new opportunities.

Certainly curiosity is at the heart of flourishing. There will be those who simply want to retire, and by this I mean dis-engage, disappear, or take their position on the couch. And it is also my belief that this does not define most of us.

So here’s to curiosity and exploring all of those resources we have!

Posted on by — Leave a comment

It’s a Matter of Head and Heart

In preparing for the Third Act, an easy default position is to fill our heads with facts, expose myths and do whatever it takes to reassure our minds that everything will be just fine. Of course this approach neglects what my heart may be saying about this journey.

In life you can choose many roads, those frequently traveled and those less so. The journey into and through the Third Act of life, undoubtedly needs to be a healthy balance between understanding and feeling, a balance between head and heart. I say this as in my own experience, no matter how much ‘self-discovery’ I engage in, no matter how much I reassure myself that I still have a great deal to offer the world and others, I am still experiencing the myriad of feelings that go with simply growing older.

I have always been a very purposeful and goal-oriented individual. This has served me well, whether I was working a physiotherapist, health care manager or educator. Goals have been the back bone of my life. I suspect I am not alone.

Today, I still love the idea of purpose. I find myself more curious about how that purpose might manifest and indeed, I feel less inclined to be quite as goal obsessed, in fact, I find myself being intentional instead. Something you might also consider.

One of the perks of the Third Act is less urgency. You have the opportunity to explore and discover, to be curious about what’s next and how this might manifest. It is healthy to have a sense of what is important to you and what lights you up – that important sense of purpose AND rather than launching into a plan, why not relax, breath and wonder what this might look like.

Just for clarity, intention, by my definition, means opening up possibility. Rather than specific goals, attached to specific outcomes and time frames, I recommend simply “attracting all that is in your highest good” or “attracting what serves your purpose”. Then exercise your curiosity and pay attention to what begins to show up.

And then there is the whole issue of choice. While I am not fully ‘retired’, I have chosen to work differently. Three words keep coming up: Freedom, Flexibility and Fun. You would think that these would be natural and easy to adapt to. Right! Not so easy, especially for those goal-oriented, list-making, scheduled individuals like myself. So I am sliding into this choice, gradually. It’s all about choice I remind myself.

 

Spreading Your Wings
Spreading Your Wings

One of my Third Act choices has been a return to painting. In my late teens and twenties, I studied art and various mediums, only to leave it behind for three decades. I can’t explain why that happened. Life I suppose. Then four years ago, two of my coaching clients opened a new studio and the next thing I knew I was taking one of their courses – a happy accident (or perhaps a significant SIGN!).

As I write this I am preparing for my fist Art Exhibit (yes, this was designed to give me a goal!). Painting, like life, is a process. The feeling of paint on a brush and then the movement across the canvas, how a slight flick of the wrist can leave an image that is magical. Testing myself in both abstract and realistic forms and with each step learning more about the important triad of brush, paint and canvas.

And isn’t that what you are doing in the Third Act, painting a new life, body mind and spirit. There will be times when the paint goes on easily and the image simply grows on the canvas just as there will be times when the paint gets muddy and you have to start again. The important thing to remember is that you have the freedom to choose what you will paint. You can exercise flexibility in how you approach your creation and most importantly in you can have fun because in the end, the choices you are making are for YOU!

With this ramble today, and it is that, I simply encourage you to engage your head and your heart for your Third Act journey. As I am so often reminded, I do not want to approach the end of life with regrets, nor I suspect do you. Listen to your heart and begin to explore what is truly meaningful to YOU. Set an intention and explore the possibilities regarding which path might lead you to where you want to land. Enjoy the journey – enjoy your freedom to choose and spread your wings.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Flourishing in the Third Act -Examine Your Beliefs

We have all fallen prey to the ageist beliefs that pervade society and show up in everyday conversations. Likewise, as you approach retirement and your Third Act, you will be wondering what is in store for me. Speaking for myself, I truly dislike the word “retire” as it had always felt like the equivalent of disengaged, coach potato, slowing down, ‘disappearing’ from life. My preference would be to re-tire, put on new treads, or re-fire, examine the possibilities and ignite my inner fire.

I am in a fortunate position though. I re-tired from health care when I was only 47 and began a new career, forming my own business and engaging in corporate coaching and consulting. Here I am almost 20 years later, still engaged, and changing gears. I get to re-invent myself and I have the experience to do it. This is not so for everyone. Despite this I still hold the same fears about what’s next, will I still be vital and active, will my brain and my body hold up, will what I do and who I be matter, and more.

To that end, I began to explore and examine some of the myths concerning me in terms of the Third Act. Here are a few excerpted from my search.

Your Destiny is Out of Your Control According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, Your Third Act offers you more control over your destiny than you might believe. As you enter the Third Act, your choices actually increase rather than diminish. If you have chosen to retire, even more so. Your choices include how you spend your time, how you engage your personal strengths and accrued wisdom, how you choose to live your life on a daily basis. Remembering that you have control, it is then your choice to take certain steps to define the Third Act you wish to have.

You will Lose Your Tribe and Be Lonely There is no doubt that when you leave the J.O.B. (Justifiable Occupation or Business) and opt for retirement, that a significant loss is your tribe – your work colleagues. The interesting thing is that your social intelligence, your ability to meet and get along with others, grows as you get older. Dr. Margaret Gatz of USC reports that “you get better at sizing people up, at understanding how relationships work and at not getting into an argument”. In other words, you get to choose who you hang with and you no longer have to get along with everyone simply because you work with them. Yeah! Remember, socializing is in important choices in terms of supporting a healthy brain. You are wired to connect.

You will Stop Learning and Growing You can’t teach an old dog new tricks! NO! Studies on neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to change its structure as the result of major trauma or brain injury, has helped science to understand that the brain is constantly changing and responding to experience. From a Positive Psychology point of view, you can employ self-directed neuroplasticity, using this to nurture new habits, manage your inner self-talk, develop self-compassion, and so on. Meditation and mindfulness, dedicating quiet time to allow your brain to shift and re-wire is supported by studies done with Buddhist monks and other meditators. It is an exciting new frontier which those of us in the Third Act can employ. Your brain has limitless capacity to learn and re-wire.

Your Physical Abilities will Decline Not true. Just as with the previous decades you get to choose. The adage, use it or lose it applies just as it always has. Muscle strength and tone can be maintained and even grown, depending on the activities in which you engage. And yes, there are all those warnings about ‘arthritis’ setting in and osteoporosis, and while these are risk factors, many Third Acters will never develop these issues. Invest in your body and it will invest in you.

You won’t BE Happy Research doesn’t support this, in fact, studies suggest that once you get beyond the 40’s it is uphill. Most Third Acters report feeling more contentment and opportunity because of their new found freedom. The Journal of Economic Behavior and Organization found that people are “at their happiest at retirement age.” Will this continue? That depends on the decisions you make regarding your Third Act.

You’ll Be Stuck with Bad Habits

Changing habits at any age is a matter of personal choice. The reality of aging is that you have more time to dedicate to your health, should this be a habit you wish to cultivate. From a Positive Psychology Perspective, developing new habits is a matter of understanding your motivation or the reward that you seek, identifying specific cues that you can associate habit formation with, and then supporting the habit you wish to develop. Be forewarned, old habits don’t die, they are replaced with new and better ones.

You’ll Stop having Sex

Here’s the good news for Third Acters, if you have had a healthy sex life before the Third Act, there is no reason for this to abruptly end. In fact, recent studies of those well over 60 suggest that we want to experience and enjoy sex. A national survey of 75-85 year olds reported the ¾ of male and ½ of female respondents reported that they were sexually active. Okay, as women, we have some work to do!

You’ll Feel Old When I was a physiotherapist working in Long Term Care, and during the completion of my Certificate in Gerontology, I conducted a survey with 40 of my most senior residents. I was curious how old they felt, not what they saw in the mirror, but what they felt inside. I was surprised to learn that most of them told me they ‘felt’ about 35. My data is supported by a 2009 PEW Research Study which found that “the older people are, the younger they feel”. The researchers observed that the gap between chronological age and “age felt” grew wider as people grew older. It supports our commonly held belief that you are as old as you feel!

Take time to examine your beliefs in regard to aging and retirement. Ask yourself if these are perfect for you. If they aren’t re-write them. Always remember, you get to choose!

Reference: 10 Misconceptions About Aging, Huffington Post

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Flourishing in the Third Act – Step One

How do we change or influence the ageist views of society, especially our youth? This past weekend I viewed a video on Facebook created by AARP (American Assoc. of Retired People) in which millennials were interviewed. When asked what age defined old the majority responded late 4o’s or 50’s. The interviewers went on to ask the subjects to perform certain tasks the way they thought an older person would. The results were interesting. Ah yes, perception! Then they young’un’s were introduced to some seniors, who for the most part outperformed them on certain tasks as they were invited to teach one another. The change in perception was amazing and when re-interviewed about their attitudes and thoughts about aging, it was evident the seniors had an impact.

I was left with a personal ‘WOW!’; is that what they really think. Have young people become so distanced from elders, their parents and grandparents, that they really view us as ‘incapacitated’? We have some work to do!

And, what are we as ‘Third Acters’ believing. Have we bought into the same ageist philosophy which suggests that retirement is a near death experience?

Through the years I have coached many folks who are retired and my sense is that they have lost their way. They retire with the belief that golfing will occupy their time; or perhaps volunteering, or reading, sewing, knitting, woodwork…..the list goes on. They grow disenchanted because they become bored or they realize that the activities which they are pursuing are not engaging. They did not understand, or they forgot, that the Third Act is the opportunity for a New Beginning and that the new beginning requires some thought and reflection and definition.

In his book Transitions, William Bridges examined the human side of change. In his model, change or transitions evoke three stages: Endings, Neutral Zone and New Beginnings. The model is an excellent beginning to approaching the Third Act, specifically when you are leaving a job behind. Endings is that opportunity to assess, and if you will, mourn, the loss. When you step away from a job or profession, you shift your identity; you lose your tribe, those whom you have worked with; you give up your routines and habits. While you may be looking forward to all of these things, many people approach the Third Act with little or no consideration regarding what it will mean everyday. Many have never considered or planned for the empty hours.

While this sounds negative, perhaps a little daunting, the upside is the opportunity for New Beginnings, the re-invention of self. My experience with coaching clients has been that they forget that they have choice on their side and that there are many things they do not forfeit by retiring: the essence of who you are, your strengths, your values, your accrued wisdom and experience and so much more. These are the important building blocks for what’s next.

The there is the magical time between these two stages – the Neutral Zone. This is the fallow field, the time to release the past, reflect, dream, consider and play with possibility. It is the time to dabble and experiment, to question and to research. Clearly it involves more being than doing. And this is the time where flourishing begins to be defined and where the work begins in  defining the New Beginning.

I have had my own journey with transitions through the years, first when I left health care almost 20 years ago to begin roadSIGNS, and then most recently as I begin to consider my plans for My THIRD ACT. The journey I am developing for Third Acters is the one I am experiencing and supported by my previous work and Positive Psychology. These are exciting times. For those of you sharing the journey with me – hop on board. The best is yet to come.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Flourishing in the Third Act

My absence from the roadSIGNS Coach blog duly noted, I am now here to say that I am officially back. This last year has been an informative one:

  • I turned 65, that magical age where we are told that retirement is an option
  • I experienced my first ‘mid-life’ crisis – it seems that I did not think turning 65 would mean anything and it did!
  • I enjoyed one of the busiest years on record with our business and subsequently decided that I no longer needed or wanted to work with that same level of intensity
  • I completed my Certificate in Positive Psychology, an intense program offered through the winter
  • and I was introduced to the concept of the Third Act, the final decades of life beginning at age 60.

It is this business of the Third Act that has really captured my attention. In her amazing TedTalk on the topic in December 2011, Jane Fonda stated that we need a new metaphor for aging in our society, one which considers aging as a staircase — the upward ascension of the human spirit, bringing us into wisdom, wholeness and authenticity. Age not at all as pathology; age as potential.

In a society with such a strong youth orientation, it is easy for those of us approaching or beyond 60 to wonder what belongs to us. And yet when I look inward, when I consider my future, I am aware that I want to do so with gusto, perhaps even a bit of bravado. I am struck by how much desire I have to learn, develop and pursue. I am hungry for meaning and a desire to continue to be of service and I am convinced that I am not alone.

As a generation, those of us 60 years plus, are physiologically younger than any generation before us. We have the potential to live 3-4 more decades or more. While we may see some decline in our health, this decline does not have to apply to our spirit. We are in charge of that just as we are in charge of our curiosity, our passion, our attitudes and beliefs. As Fonda suggests:

Entropy means that everything in the world, everything, is in a state of decline and decay, the arch. 
There’s only one exception to this universal law, and that is the human spirit, 
which can continue to evolve upwards — the staircase — bringing us into wholeness, authenticity and wisdom.

Perhaps the Third Act is really our time, a time to FLOURISH, a time to expand on those things that escaped us in our youth, a time to exercise our curiosity and be active learners, a time to finish what was left undone.

I invite you to join me in this conversation as I pursue Flourishing in the Third Act.

Using the principles of Positive Psychology,  I intend to carve out a course for us to follow, one which will allow us to become re-acquainted with the many aspects of who we are and who we wish to become, one which will help to find our way into this new territory called the Third Act.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Ebb and Flow

I have recently had the pleasure to dive into the work of Joan Anderson, an American author whose books A Walk on the Beach and The Second Journey have truly resonated with me. It is always good to be supported on one’s own journey. Joan’s vulnerability and humanity spoke through the pages, as if she and I were having a conversation. And this conversation was an important one as she disclosed that despite her work, that of encouraging others, especially women, to find room in their lives for themselves, was a message that she personally struggled to live. And in their lies my truth, that despite my ME FIRST teachings, I have lots to learn about ME FIRST.

Like many of us, I am caught up in the flow, forward and backward movement. A self-avowed doing addict, I have trouble at times slowing down and even when I do, I cannot seem to harness my mind. Oh sure there are a few divine moments, when the quiet descends and I find myself in the ebb. I relish those moments and hold on to them greedily, for it is in that ebb space that I see, I know and I am. And then, just as quickly as the ebb appeared I am back in the flow. And I know this is right as well, the ebb and the flow, the movement of the tidal waters around the earth and the tidal waters of our life, is as it needs to be. Nothing is static.

All of this insight falls on the heels of a year of what feels like slumber. One year ago in January 2014, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, a rather serious, although treatable, auto-immune disease. After month of stiff and sore fingers and toes, blood tests and X-rays pointed in this direction. This is an illness familiar to me as I have been part of the Rheumatology community for a few years as the facilitator of the Colour of Communication designed for health professionals working in this field. The irony of suddenly attracting this illness did not escape me. Yet somehow, in the back screen of my mind all this news did not ring true. My intuitive “energy” colleagues supported that belief. Despite this I embarked of a course of treatment which over the next eleven months included two drugs, Plaquinil and Methotrexate (a form of chemotherapy). I saw my energy levels diminish yet I stayed with the program. I saw no observable forms of improvement in my joints yet I stayed with the program. Without recognizing it, I began to slide in my desire and drive to be of service.

Here Comes the Sun - A New Dawn!
Here Comes the Sun – A New Dawn!

Five weeks ago, in a collaborative decision with my rheumatologist, all medications were stopped. We both agreed that while my blood work was highly suggestive of RA, my lack of response to treatment indicated otherwise. Subsequently I have had additional joint studies completed which have revealed osteoarthritic changes in my fingers, no meds required.

I have written previously about Awakening, and I feel that at this moment I am once again in the awakening process. My energy levels have returned, I am waking up with a new sense of vigor and I feel that suddenly I am once again in the game. I have a suitcase full of appreciation for this. You do not realize what you have until it is removed for a period of time. And I, admittedly was under appreciating my life, my passion, my sense of purpose and my drive. I was under appreciating the ebb and the flow.

I have no judgment of the last year or the decision I made to seek and accept treatment for an illness I do not have. Rather I am grateful for my current state of health and for the lessons learned over the past 12 months. A significant aspect of this lesson is to embrace the ebb and the flow, to be in movement and to be in solitude and contemplation; to find the easy balance between the two.

With the newness of 2015 still on my skin, and an appreciation of all the forecasters and pundits, I know this to be a year for transformation. This means casting aside what no longer serves and creating space for what is waiting on the other side of the door. It is in the ebb that I have time to identify the castaways and in the flow that I can reach out and receive what is next.

I encourage you to identify the ebb and flow, the natural rhythm of your life. So much of daily living is forced rhythm. May this leave you with the desire for contemplation and the willingness to step into the ebb for a few moments everyday!

Until next time,

Betty