Everywhere I go, whether for a walk or a drive, I see the SIGNS that suggest boundaries. When a new property is about to be developed I watch the surveyors clarifying the property lines. When the actual building begins, chain link fences appear to keep away intruders. As a property matures, the fences change to white picket or sometimes a cedar hedge. Whether plant, wood, metal or simply where the grass meets the road, it is clear where the boundaries are.
If only it were so with you and I. So much of my coaching work of late has been in helping others establish their boundaries. It seems that the expectations of a busy world and juggling the many responsibilities that accompany the various roles you all take on, has bumped most of you off your priority list.
This is a question I ask audiences when I speak to them, “Where are you on your own priority list?” Ask yourself the question. Are you surprised to hear yourself say that, “I am not even on my own priority list or if I am, chances are I am at the bottom”. Why is this? As you take a look at this question you might also consider, what are the SIGNS showing up in your life, that suggest that getting back on your priority list and bumping yourself up the list may be important. I know the SIGNS are there. It might look like fatigue or a sense of disengagement. You no longer feel connected to what you are doing, asking yourself, what does it all mean? You might be spinning, going in many different directions at the same time without a sense of accomplishment. Whatever it is, it begs to be noticed and heeded.
In coaching the question that looms larger than most, is when will you start saying the most important two letter word in the English language, ‘NO’. You might respond that this is a sure way to end relationships, or if the ‘NO’ is used at work, a career limiting option. I challenge you to reconsider this and wonder if it is simply a boundary issue. YES is also an important word, but you want to be saying YES to the things in your life that are the most important, that make a difference for you and your relationships, that allow you to step into your own power. If you forget or hesitate to say ‘NO’ when NO is the right answer, you steal power from the YES’s that will really make a difference in your life. Of course the most important YES, if saying YES to yourself.
Boundary work is, from my perspective as a coach, the journey of selfness. It requires a commitment to re-discover the true meaning in your life. Too often the coaching conversation begins with, “Everything in my life is perfect, at least on the surface yet I am not sure what it all means anymore!” The areas of your life which beg to be re-examined include your core values, that is, how you choose to live. This is followed by understanding what is really important to you in terms of how you want to make a difference and finally, re-visiting your gifts and strengths and how these are engaged in your work.
Many of these aspects of yourself have simply been buried of the daily ‘to do’s, should’s and have to’s’ of life. Once re-examined, they help you determine those important boundaries in your life and when ‘NO’ is important. For example, if you have a core value of integrity, and a co-worker or friend asks you to participate in something which is dishonest, ‘NO’ is the right answer. To say YES may appease the other person but you are cheating on yourself.
Back to the priority list of your life. You will not find your way onto this list unless you are willing to begin putting yourself first and to explore those important boundaries. I invite you to consider where you are on your priority list and where you want to be. Take the first step. Begin saying ‘NO’ to those requests you know are not yours to own, perform, or take on. Remember you are not saying NO to another person, you are saying YES to you.
Until Next Time…
Betty