“Is it my age?” I wonder. As a newly minted 60 year old all I can think of these days is how important it is to be curious. Curious? Yes! About life, about what’s up for me in the next decade, about my work in the world and more. Life is, if you will, an endless series of question marks.
And it is all perfect for it makes me feel much more youthful, engaged and definitely enthusiastic about life. In fact I cannot imagine it any other way.
It has not always been this way, as when I was younger I was very big on control. It seems to me, as I look back, that curiosity and control are polar opposites. How can you be curious if you need to be in control? Curiosity requires that you step outside the usual boundaries of your life and take a look at things differently or examine things that are different. Well known self-help guru Wayne Dyer says that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
Back to control. It really is an illusion, don’t you think? I mean do we really think that we can control things outside of ourselves. YES WE DO and, if you are like me when I was less wise, I thought the tighter I held the reins on my life, the more I could control the world around me.
In my observations of people, I see the toll that control is taking. As one of my coaching clients shared with me today, control creates an air tight box around you. You become very cautious about how you live in the world, especially at work and in that caution, you begin to lose a sense of who you really are. The person who wears your cloths and your skin is simply a framework of the real you, like a skeleton without the flesh. When control looms large in your life, you fear losing it, which further magnifies the problem. What if someone experiences the real you, the person without the masks, the person who might be vulnerable, the authentic self? “Will I be judged”, you wonder? Isn’t it safer to wear that mask and control exactly how people know me?
And this is only one example of how you engage control in your life. I had many strategies, for example, endless plans filled with work and life objectives, subtitled by an equally endless list of activities that would outline how these objectives would be achieved. These lists framed my days and I took great delight in ticking each item off the list. That’s not to say I don’t use lists today, as I do. But they are different, open ended, less focused on outcome, more focused on ‘what if…?’ And that’s where curiosity began.
You may not agree with me that curiosity is important, many don’t. If you do however, this is an opportunity to take your life back and begin to approach things differently. Where do you begin? Consider the question, “If I want to be in curiosity, what control am I choosing to release?” Now there’s a loaded question as that forces you to actually consider where in your life you are control seeking – relationships, work, personal habits, you name it. Then you need to evaluate the risks involved with actually relaxing your standards, becoming more flexible and a little less of a perfectionist. Oh that!
I encourage you to see this conversation as a SIGN that it is time for you to relax a little, stretch your boundaries, and wonder about what lies outside that sphere of control you have been living in. Ask yourself how this is serving you. If it is not, you may be experiencing a sense of disillusionment with how your life is unfolding or you may find yourself daydreaming of escaping the place you are currently occupying. If any of these feelings are present for you at this time, know that the opportunity is here to shift gears, from control to curiosity.
Begin by simply wondering about the ‘what if’s’ of life:
- What if I changes careers?
- What if I started that art course I have been putting on the back burner?
- What if I released the limiting beliefs I have about myself?
- What if I stopped trying to be perfect?
- What if I dropped all the masks I wear?
You get the drift – it’s about starting with a question rather than starting with an answer. Answers are built on what you know and the way you have always done things. They are safe and they give you control. Questions invite in new solutions and ways of examining life and work. They may open up the unexpected and there is no assurance that this will be comfortable. And that is perfect, for questions encourage you to grow.
Is it time to shift from control to curious. I hope so. I hope you never grow up and that you retain the curiosity of the four year old who wants to know why.
Until next time….
Betty