A coaching client of mine recently shared with me the idea of Bullying by omission. Curious, I asked her what this meant. She shared that this type of bullying is subtle and insidious, occurring behind a person’s back. It is bullying through exclusion, gossip, decision-making and more. With this post, I begin exploring the idea of bullying by omission – gossip.In the academy award-winning film Doubt, starring Meryl Streep and Philip Seymour Hoffman, there is a wonderful scene where Hoffman’s character, a priest named Father Flynn, delivers an impactful sermon regarding innuendo and mis-truth. He relates a story of a parishioner who confesses that she is guilty of gossiping about one of her neighbors. As penance, the priest instructs her to return home, to retrieve one of her feather pillows from her bedroom and to take this to the roof of her apartment building. She is then instructed to cut open the pillow and to release all the feathers, allowing them to scatter across her neighborhood. She does so, and returns to the confessional awaiting further instructions.
On her second visit Father Flynn tells her to return to the neighborhood and to find all the feathers that were dispersed the previous day. She is stunned and tells him that his request is an impossible one. To this he replies that gossip, like feathers, goes everywhere. It is impossible to track it once it is released. Gossip does harm.
When I was a younger woman, and perhaps slightly less wise, I engaged in gossip, just as my friends and colleagues did. I don’t think I gave any thought to how much harm might come from it or where it eventually ended. I, like so many of us, simply spoke without considering the consequences. As I matured, I became less interested in perpetuating the gossip chain. I often refused to go to lunch with colleagues as I did not want to participate in the conversations, which were mostly founded on news and views of others not seated at the table. Yes, I was accused of being anti-social at times but I was clear that this was no longer perfect for me. I was choosing to do no harm.
In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz teaches the importance of being impeccable with your word. This means speaking with integrity and saying only what you truly mean. He highlights the importance of avoiding using words against yourself or gossip about others; using the power of your words in the direction of truth and love.
Here is what most people don’t understand about gossip. The person it harms the most is the person initiating the gossip. When you choose to be out of integrity with others by telling mis-truths or exaggerating circumstances, you are out of integrity with yourself. The chances are that if you are gossiping about others, it is an effort to demean them. You do this because you do not feel good about yourself.
I want to ask all of you to assist me in ending gossip and engaging in conversations that promote truth and love. Do it for yourself first, understanding that to speak words of kindness is a gift to yourself. Whatever energy you give to the world, in words, thought or deeds, returns to you tenfold. That is just how it works. Choose to do no harm.